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The Cork Board gets reloaded about .. oh, never.. |
| NOW DON'T DO THIS AT HOMES KIDS – London
- Heather Perry, 29 was suffering from chronic fatigue. Her solution? Do
it yourself brain surgery.
Heather was convinced that she had a swelling of her brain and spinal chord called
myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ME, which leaves sufferers feeling permanently exhausted. She
learned that an ancient technique called trepanning --cutting away a section of the
scalp and drilling into the skull, had been used in the Middle Ages to treat sever headaches and
madness. They apparently thought it released the evil spirits. British doctors refused to help |
| CAUGHT YOU RED, er uh, HANDED! - New York – Michelle Macula, 46, a partner in the Tottenville Inn. Restaurant was trying to figure out who was stealing their expensive food and wine in the place after hours. Michelle decided to do something about it and installed video cameras to catch the thief. What she saw was someone parading around in the nude, eating the food and pouring himself the fine wines. Turns out it was her landlord, Albert Hohmann a local fireman. Hohmann has been suspended without pay after being arrested on charges including burglary, petty larceny and criminal mischief. --probably didn't want his clothing to interfere with the wines bouquet. . . |
| Inspired by an afternoon of playing at various anti-chain letter Web sites, I won't be hitting the delete key anymore. The next piece of chain mail landing in my in-box gets returned to sender with the following message attached, courtesy of the Web's chain-letter police: "This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! Lots!! NOT TO MENTION ALL-CAPS TOO!!!!!" Debra McKinney |
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(From American Police Beat, a magazine for
cops) |
| Paramedic: We need to get these people to a hospital! EMT: What is it? Paramedic: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference. An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a physical examination of the wife. The wife is declared in perfect health, but the doctor says that he also would need to check the husband's semen in order to accurately advise the couple. The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, "Listen, I'm getting old. I can only "do that" about once a week." The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial, telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample. The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, "Well...I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink...but we still couldn't get the top off the damn bottle!" |
| Doctors Find Three-inch Nail In Man's Skull From the Press Association Thursday April 13, 2000 4:32 pm A man has told of how he had a three-inch nail embedded into his skull without realising it. Tony Smart was spiked with the nail when a workmate accidentally knocked his head with an industrial nail gun as he stepped down a ladder. Mr Smart, 38, of Newport, Gwent, said: "I thought I had just been hit on the head by the gun itself. I had no idea the gun had gone off when it hit me." He added: "I had no headache, just a small cut on the top of my head." Although he went to hospital to have the wound cleaned, he was later sent home. A week later, as he watched Manchester United at Old Trafford, he collapsed and was taken to hospital where doctors ordered an X-ray and discovered the nail. Mr Smart said: "I had no idea it was there. I wasn't in any pain. I didn't even know the nail had been there until after the operation to get it out." Andrew King, consultant neurosurgeon at Hope Hospital, in Manchester, said: "He is lucky it did not go into a vital part of the brain because paralysis would be a distinct possibility and he may have even risked death. "All we had to do was make a hole and pull the nail out the way it came in, making sure we didn't cause too much bleeding, and controlling any infection." Mr Smart, who spent three weeks in hospital and five months off work after the operation, is taking legal action against Caerphilly Miners Hospital, where he was taken after the accident. |
| Look what snowmobiles can do Support your local mortician. Buy junior a snowmachine! Of the 400 Alaskans due to be killed or hospitalized due to snowmachine or ATV related trauma this year,120 will be children or teenagers. Support your local nursing home. Buy junior a snowmachine! Of the lucky 108 youths that survive this trauma, 32 will be brain injured. Raise taxes. Buy junior a snowmachine! Forty percent of the injured have no insurance and the public pays the price of medical care and long-term care. This is in excess of $16 million annually statewide. Per-mile-traveled, junior is 10 time more likely to die or be hospitalized at the controls of a snowmachine than behind the wheel of the family car. -- Stephen S. Tower, M.D. Anchorage |
| Brain changes, not hormones, explain many adolescent behaviors By Matt Crenson AP National Writer Every parent dreads it. Almost overnight a sweet, cheerful, obedient child mutates into a churlish monster prone to recklessness and unpredictable mood swings. This is not "The Exorcist." This is adolescence. Parents and experts have always blamed the same hormones that catapult young bodies into adulthood for the sleeping until noon, the reckless driving, the drug use and the other woes of adolescence. But recent research shows that what's going on above teen-agers' necks, not raging hormones, explains the changes. Beginning around age 11, the brain undergoes major reorganization in an area associated with things like social behavior and impulse control. Neuroscientists figured this out only in the last few years, and the discovery has led them to see adolescence as a period when the developing brain is vulnerable to traumatic experiences, drug abuse and unhealthy influences. "The adolescent brain is different. It's still growing," says Fulton Crews, a neuroscientist at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. Not long ago, neuroscientists thought that the brain stopped growing by the time a child entered nursery school. By then, it was thought, nearly all the brain's wiring had been connected and the only remaining task was to program that hardware. But new brain imaging technologies have shattered that notion. Using techniques like MRI and positron emission tomography, or PET scanning, researchers have detected brain growth throughout childhood and well into adolescence. Because their brains are not yet mature, adolescents do not handle social pressure, instinctual urges and other stresses the way adults do. That may explain in part why adolescents are so prone to unsavory or reckless behavior. |
| How To Install Software: 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 2353700 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away. 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers. 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer." 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot. 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: A. YES B. SURE 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha." 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$ %@&*^) $*!#$_$*^& 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture. 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12. |